Keep Anger Out of Danger

                                             by Kathy Collard Miller

Horace said on the brink of the First Century, "Anger is a short madness."  Unfortunately for some of us, anger isn't always so short a madness and can create great danger in our lives.  

When I was in third grade, I got so mad at my best friend, Irene, I hit her smack in the nose.  As she ran off crying toward home, I stood paralysed thinking, "Kathy, what a horrible person you are.  See what happens when you get angry?  You better never get angry again."  That anger didn't dissolve even though I tried to never feel angry.  In time, it created anger toward customers, family and friends.

As I look back, I can identify some underlying causes of my anger and as I've shared these insights with audiences across the United States, I've found that most people can relate to them.

1. Displacement.

Displacement can be defined as transferring an emotion from the real cause to another person or object. Tom, a friend of mine, discovered this cause of anger was operating in his office when he told me about a fellow office worker whom I'll name Connie.  Connie seemed easily irritated with Tom, especially when he assertively shared his opinion.  Tom couldn't figure out why Connie overreacted.  

Some time later, Connie's father came into the office to visit and at one point, told Connie she should do something different.  Connie got angry at her father and suddenly Tom recognized the same irritation he had been receiving from her.  He realized Connie was displacing her anger from her father onto him when Tom did something that reminded her of her father.

Recognizing displacement is useful both when we're the brunt of anger and when we are the one displacing our anger.  Sometimes it helps to point out the displacement in someone else by saying, "Does that remind you of someone else who frustrates you?"  With ourselves, we can ask, "Is this person or this situation what I'm really upset about, or am I really angry at someone else?"

I identify the real cause of my anger by asking myself questions like: am I tired or do I need some exercise?  Am I thinking negatively or are my expectations unrealistic?  Am I feeling embarrassed, frustrated, or insecure?  Is my self-esteem low?  Have my goals or desires been blocked?  By identifying the real cause, I can deal with it more effectively.

2.  Incorrect ideas about anger.

Growing up, I got the idea all anger was wrong, especially after I hit Irene in the nose.  As a result, I desperately tried to never feel angry.  Unfortunately, that anger was only buried alive to be released later.  I had to learn that anger, like any emotion, is neither right nor wrong in its early stages.  But what we do with it can be right or wrong.  Once I started being in touch with my anger at its first flash feeling stage, I could begin to control it, instead of it controlling me.  

Becoming aware of your early warning signs of anger gives you time to deal with your feelings before they become destructive.  To discover these signals, write down facts about the last three times you blew it.  Then recall how you felt fifteen minutes, ten minutes and five minutes before the flare-ups.  If you can't remember those details, then monitor the next three times it happens.

Some red flag signals people report are:  gritting teeth, clenching fists, raising voice, feeling hot or cold, sensing muscles tighten, or breathing shallowly.  Everyone has his or her own unique brand of signals.

Once we recognize an early warning sign, we can release the energy that anger causes.  It's that energy that often makes us lash out at people before we were even aware we were angry.  

Here are some ideas for releasing that energy safely:
· take a vigorous walk
· run in place
· hit a pillow or punching bag
· take a shower (with or without screaming)
· sing loudly
· take ten slow, deep breaths
· play a musical instrument loudly
· telephone a friend, hotline or counsellor.
3. Incorrect assumptions about life.  

Many times we are becoming angry because we assume an idea is true when it is not.  For instance, I may become easily angered at my spouse because I believe he or she is responsible for meeting my needs, when in truth I hold the key to my own happiness.

Other wrong assumptions are: 

· getting financially secure will take away all my problems
· my spouse should know instinctively what's important to me
· my children are a reflection of me
· once I get that promotion I'll feel secure
· once I solve all my problems, I won't have stress.

If we don't evaluate whether an incorrect belief is wrong, it could continue to influence us negatively.  By replacing it with the truth, we won't react in anger as easily because our anger doesn't have as many wrong ideas to feed upon.

4.  Verbalizing anger inappropriately.

Most often our anger is caused by someone who is disappointing us.  Using "you messages" is usually the way we express our anger, but a better way is "I messages."  Using "you messages" makes a person defensive and diminishes their ability to hear us.  "I messages" share where I'm coming from without telling them what to do.

Consider the following idea:

Change, "You never come home on time" to:  "I feel annoyed when dinnertime is neglected but I feel loved when we're here together eating.  I expected we would sit down together to share over dinner.  What is your expectation?"  

Our goal should be to open up dialogue to find an acceptable compromise.  
Being aware of these causes of anger and putting correct ideas into practice will make a difference so that anger isn't "a short madness" in our lives.

Read Only © Copyright, 2002. Used by permission of author. Kathy Collard Miller is a professional speaker and author of 45 books including Why Do I Put So Much Pressure On Myself?  She addresses audiences on dealing with anger and stress, and motivates them to choose joy in the midst of the disappointments of life.  Contact: www.LarryAndKathy.com

Article courtesy of Bob ‘Idea Man’ Hooey & Ideas At Work! Visit our website: http://www.ideaman.net/ for more downloadable Business Enhancement Success Thinking series of articles by some of North America’s top speakers and experts. If you’ve enjoyed this article, please let the author know, and tell them you read it on http://www.ideaman.net/ Bookmark this site as we add new articles as they are received.